grievance

you know, when i was young i had a theory [as most young 'uns are apt to have], that news makes people old. reading or watching the same lineup of crime and suffering eats away at you. it's in the name of knowledge, they say, that they stick their nose into this or that person's tragedy. any kid will tell you it isn't knowledge if you don't learn anything new.

i don't watch the news. the only part of a newspaper i'd read without prodding is the lifestyle section. they never mention anything negative there - heaven forbid the masses realize that the filipino lifestyle is anything less than a laminated carbon-copy of big brother america's.

but i digress.

the moment i received that text message from jonat was the first time in years that i willingly scoured online sources for any supposedly accurate news. i didn't find any. and i guess i'm glad i didn't. if it was in the news that fast, it was there because you were a madrigal, not because you were rej. maybe i didn't want the world to know you and yours as just another statistic, slightly weathier and therefore more prone to be gossiped about. but i think it was just me hoping that i couldn't find anything because it was all a big joke. some kind of tardy april fools' shebang.

but the messages kept coming. saul informed me that you were on tv patrol. i didn't watch. they wouldn't have gotten it right either.

i tried to recall the last conversation we had, but couldn't. i had to open my message archives. the last thing you said to me was "ur gonna do fine :D". i wish i was fine. i wish i'd gone to the lsyc retreat. i wish i'd chatted with you more often. nasa huli ang pagsisisi, as vince would say.

so this is loss. my pc hasn't crashed. i still wake at 6 to go to work. my coworkers still play broken sonnet on a loop everyday from 3 to 7. the world turns. i've never felt more sober in my life. they really shouldn't call it loss. you're not gone. if anything, you're more present. since you're not around anymore in the physical sense, we have to carry you. we, meaning everyone whose life you've touched. i feel slower, heavier. it's the weight of all the memories and private jokes that now have nowhere to go. there's a big difference between saying "remember when rej" and "remember when you".

it's like in the giver. there's no sense in recommending the book to you now, since you probably won't get an opportunity to read it. i'll just tell you about it: in the story, when someone dies, his or her memories flood the community, and they have to perform a ceremony of loss, to literally lift the burden from their backs.

it's scary how it's suddenly all coming back. the first time i met you [av room, you were with publications]; the retreats [i reiterate that you're prettier without glasses]; the senior prom [i had excellent taste back then, you, unfortunately, did not]; the online conversations about failing subjects and relationships.

i remember you saying that nobody'd courted you because there was something wrong with you. i said probably not. what i should have said was torpe lang s'ya.

am i referring to myself? i honestly don't know. sure i took you to the prom but i didn't take that seriously because you didn't. also, you were taller than me, so that dimmed my expectations quite a bit. maybe i could've been that guy, if we'd kept in touch after college. that's not going to happen now, though. either way, that guy's still out there. only now, he'll have to miss out on a grand adventure.

when you were taken away, we not only lost a friend, but a classmate, a teacher, a wife, a mother, everything you were going to become. it's so stupid, there's no excuse whatsoever. but that's life. morgenstein knows it's not fair. things can always get worse.

it still hasn't hit me, actually. maybe at the wake. please don't be offended. i'm just too tired. i honestly don't expect the rest of us to last beyond 2012 anyway. in that light, seven years doesn't really make that big a difference. for all we know, it could be some hideous blessing in disguise. i'll tell you all about the end times the next time we meet. i doubt there'd be anything worth telling, but i won't skip a detail, i promise.

i better end here, before this post becomes so long that nobody reads it. then they wouldn't know a tenth of how amazing you are.

i meant every word. i will miss you. we all will.

ingat. 
posted by stani at 9:19 PM