dumb and dumber

i. seeing red

i usually enjoy the occasional trip across the city in one of our fine second-hand buses, especially if said bus is in possession of at least one working air conditioner. a rather annoying exception to this would be if i find that the bus i am occupying has as another passenger an unfortunate victim of religion, who has convinced himself or herself that the the map to heaven is paved with loose change pried from the pockets of unwilling commuters. sometimes i manage to shrug off my irritation [hell, sometimes i even pad their envelopes], but i draw the line when these ministers decide to shake people awake, to charge them for the gift of salvation.

let me put it bluntly - people who sleep on buses are either a) so sleepy that they're actually wishing for heavier traffic, so they can nap longer; or b) saving their fellow passenger the shame of receiving an empty envelope. in either case, it is not a particularly good idea to 'accidentally' kick them in the shins, unless you happens to be opus dei. now this one old lady, whose acquaintance i had the misfortune of making just today, not only broke the aforementioned rule of public transportation etiquette, but also gave an award-winning monologue, the likes of which had, until now, only been witnessed online:

she started with the usual opening prayer, then moved onto preaching about maintaining virtue through these "end times". she was unusually well-researched [if we are to believe the veracity of the verses she quoted], and i was even considering to give her whatever change would return to me from the twenty peso bill i would be using to pay the fare. until, of course, she casually informed us that those who did not donate to her church mysteriously ran into a streak of bad luck. gruesome bad luck, with fatal consequences, according to her further narrations. you know, the type you find in your spam mail folder.

well that certainly did it for me, and for a lot of others, i'd wager, since there was a sudden shuffling of papers, and a waver crept into that lady's voice. note that this whole time, my head was down, eyes shut, and my arms crossed over my chest, in perfect imitation of sleep. nevertheless, i had to break character for a second by smiling, upon hearing the next words out of her mouth: a desperate appeal to help her feed her family, since she had vowed to "serve the lord" full-time and thus was without any income to speak of. well, don't that beat all. as a debater, i knew better than to fall for that old trick, and as an irate individual, i just wasn't in the mood, so i quickly resumed my act. i must have been either very good or very bad at it, then, considering that the evangelist at this point attempted to rouse me by literally sitting in my lap, under the pretext of losing her balance when the bus crawled to a stop.

by then, i had half a mind to undo my ponytail, levitate, and say "you have displeased me, my child" in a booming yet calm and melodic voice. she should thank her lucky stars i didn't strike her down with bread and fish.

ii. is the new black

benj: 10 pesos says this will be on the news in a week's time

self: i know it will

benj: he's the new chuck norris!

self: tangina ang laughtrip nung juggernaut bitch spoof ad sa escuderofacts hahaha

benj: chiz wanted bamboo to be on his ad
benj: di pumayag si bamboo

self: aww

benj: sya pa naman ang magsusulong ng Emokrasya

self: what comment did you leave

benj: something real corny like
benj: Chiz and BigBrother are one and the same - for all countries.

self: what would i put i wonder
self: i like the ones where he does impossible things

benj: dont do so well, you might become a primary suspect. haha

self: ah i thought of one
self: "si tulfo nagsusumbong kay chiz"
self: ilagay mo hehe

benj: done

ah yes, the proverbial 15.

sige ingat.ü 
posted by stani at 9:10 PM